Fred
the elfling here and we're continuing our series or dining in the
fairylands or to be proper the Anderheim. We want to discuss dining
with Goblins...or do we? Is that something we actually want to think
about. <shudders> To find out we had to think who actually has
experience dining with Goblins and living to tell about it. We've
turned to our resident expert Seargent Welby of the Rangers.
Now Seargent. You were a highwayman before you joined the Rangers, back when the Goblin Queen was running things in the border country. Correct?
Welby: Sorry to admit it, but yes, that's correct.
Fred: As such you had frequent contact with Goblins and actually ate with them on occasion. Is that right? Didn't they try and kill you on sight?”
Welby: Now they do because I've joined the Rangers. But back then when I was a highwayman it was different. You've got to understand the Goblin mentality. Goblins want to corrupt humans. They are only too happy to drink or gamble with you. They'll try and buy or sell women with you. You've got to watch your step with them. If you're a big winner at dice, they're likely to knife you on the way out. But if they think you're there to bring them presents or spend money on them, they are only too happy to see you.
Fred: Interesting. So how did you get to know them?
Welby: We had a good spot on the main road. We charged a high toll of any passers by. The Queen and her Goblins were ok with that, as long as they got a piece of the action. Every once and a while we'd drop into a goblin camp and bring our cut for the Queen. We'd try and be sociable on those occasions. We'd swap drinks with them and occasionally they'd invite us to dinner.
Fred: Can you eat anything that a Goblin cooks? Aren't they cannibals?
Welby: Yes, but that's not everyday fare for them. Goblins don't eat people because they're hungry, they do it as part of their black magic rituals. They're not going to waste good man-flesh on some casual house guests or prisoners. That's only for the inner circle on special occasions. Maybe it's different elsewhere where food is in short supply. Around here you can nearly always find a wild pig to roast if you're hungry and they taste a lot better than people, at least so I hear.
Fred: Ah, so they had real food you can eat? Didn't they poison you?
Welby: Yea, I don't recommend dining with Goblins. They aren't big on proper sanitation. The good news is that Goblin's are lazy and you've got a fair chance the cook is some human slave. Actually that's a good way to survive if you're captured by Goblins. Convince them you can cook. They like good food as much as we do.
That said, it's a myth that all goblin food is inedable or poisoned. Some of them actually like good food too and I've known people to bribe Goblins with donuts. I've been served quite decent meals in Goblin camps.
Fred: Hmm. So what do Goblin's serve guests?
Welby: A lot of the local critters. Lamb, pork, buffalo, venison. Most likely spit roasted with a bit of flat bread. Some times they will make a stew. They've probably poured some beer over it. If it's home made grog it will be high on alcohol and low on flavor. Goblins will eat horse and mule now and then, but mostly they'd prefer to sell a horse for beer. Best advice I can give if you must scocialize with goblins, is to check who they've got as a cook. If it's a slave, you may have a good meal. If it's a Goblin cook, it's usually, greasy and burnt or raw, but edible.
Fred: Well I guess they won't switch from banditry to opening taverns any time soon. Any exceptions to that?
Welby: We met some southern Goblins one time. Those are the ones who ride around on some sort of evil looking black Yaks. They served us some sort of Yak stew in some strange yogurt sauce. That actually wasn't bad. Certainly the best meal I ever had cooked by a Goblin.
Fred: Thanks, that's certainly an eye opener. I'll keep those tips in mind in the highly unlikely event that I start going round to Goblins for high tea. That should cover it for now, but don't forget to send in your questions and I'll try to investigate.