Generally I strive for a PG-13 rating in my writing. I figure it it was appropriate for the early James Bond films, it’s probably OK for my readers. Its not usually hard to stick to that, but there are times when I have to stop and check myself. I’ve had to stop and think about how detailed I want to be about the intimate life of a Necromancer (no good answer there) or if I REALLY want to describe that improved weapon of mass destruction (is this going to actually work? Turns out it’s not actually an original idea and there are technical issues in making it work but still I haven’t been in a hurry to publish that one.) The latest quandary is bad language.
This came up in a discussion at the NY Chesterton Society. Our group is reading Chesterton’s “The Common Man” at the moment (available from GK Chesterton’s works on the Web : http://www.cse.dmu.ac.uk/~mward/gkc/books/Common_Man.txt In particular we were reviewing his essay “Vulgarity” which brought the topic around to the lamentable modern tendency to use a lot of four letter words in writing. I called attention to a quandary I am having and some of the other writers in the group agreed it was a bit tricky. I decided to go public with the discussion.
The spy novel I’m working on has an important scene where a minor character is arrested at sea attempting to smuggle drugs. The important thing about this scene is that he’s arrested near some whales, but the tricky thing is what does he say while being arrested by the Coast Guard? As he’s loosing several thousand dollars and is going to be arrested, I think that words on the order of “Gosh Darn the Coast Guard has arrived” doesn’t really cut it. One of my criminal masterminds might say that, but not Juan here. I’m including an edited version of the scene below.
[Start]
“The long grey boat skimmed along the surface of the waters. Juan Ramirez had christened his ship the “Porsche Cayman.” He didn’t love the boat, it was a rough ride and the crew amenities were strictly limited. But it was traditional to name the narco subs after cars and he had chosen to name his the “Porsche Cayman.” as it was a car he hoped to get after a few runs of smuggling drugs and it had a nice Caribbean feel to the name.
Ramirez cut back the engine power on his semi-submersible as he could now see the first hints of dawn on the horizon. Dawn meant air patrols and he had to reduce the ships wake or he would be spotted, so he cut back his speed. It didn’t pay to be impatient in this business. If his four man crew could pilot the ship unnoticed into the United states, they all stood to make a bundle of cash from the transaction. Failure meant jail time, and worse, he wouldn’t get paid.
…
”Ramirez gave the predictable unprintable response when he saw the Coast Guard helicopter approaching his vessel. It was heading right for them.
“It’s the [mating] Coast Guard! We’re [penetrated]! [Explicatives altered to less objectionable terms-editor.] Everyone on deck with your life jackets. Stand by to pull the plug.”
Everyone knew the drill now. In another minute they would pull the red lever and the Porsche Cayman would be scuttled as the red lever would open a valve that would rapidly fill the ship with water. Evidence of their drug smuggling would sink down into the waves. That wouldn’t help much, the lawmakers had actually caught on to that little loophole. But it was better than being caught with the stuff red handed. “
[End]
I’m not altogether happy with the above result. I’ve seen Rex Stout use this technique, but it works better for him. (I think it helps that he writes in first person.) Kevin suggested I change some of the explicatives into Spanish. I sort of like that idea. Changing the English F word for the Spanish F word is really cheating because, after all, someone speaks Spanish. However I can probably get away with changing the English F word for the Spanish D word here or equivalent. I’m open to other suggestions however.